Candles and Old People

I couldn't remember much this time. I only remember the details.

As we watch darkness unfold from our window, we were trapped in one house with all these people I don't know. My mom was there, an old grouchy grandpa with a cane, an old loving couple, a girl friend, and a young man of about 15. It felt like that there were more coming, and that we weren't the only ones living in the house. In my memories, I seem to be married.

I have a mug, with a big fat candle inside it in real life -- it was there in my dream and it seems to be wearing out already. The candle has burned off the wax and all I can say was, "you have served us well."

We were running out of candles, and I was trying to make those we have at hand work for the night. The old loving couple borrowed one -- the woman was going to help her husband to the bathroom. I gave them the mug with the big fat burned off candle. It was easier to use than any of the others.

I was trying to make one thin candle stand inside a jar. But, as I tried, it snapped into tiny pieces held only by its wick. My mom was telling me to let it go. We'll get more candles in the morning. I told her, we need it now, as I tried to fix it up with a magic tape.

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Candle meaning? It seems like I'm sexually repressed, and that I have too much ideas and have too much activities going on and that I'm letting go of something important to me. It's breaking me apart.

Ah, yeah. Still the USA fears.

The old loving couple, is forgivness and wisdom that I shall be having when I grow older. Meaning? I don't need to hurry.

Oh the grumpy old man with a cane, he's one of my guardians (guardian angel or guardian spirit).

MOTEL -- Ohno (Part 2/2)

Usually, when I have a dream so beautiful -- or so sexy like the previous one -- I go back diving in, gambling on whether I could really continue the dream or not. Sometimes, I do. Most of the times, I end up in a continuation, usually with a huge time gap.

And because It took me quite some time to finish part one, my memory has already degraded and had forgotten how the dream started as well.

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Duds and Pax came to the house. It was raining outside. They were with Ohno. Ohno was tired so I let him sleep in the bedroom immediately.

I heard Duds and Pax laughing and giggling while doing it in the bedroom, I was crying my eyes right outside. Even in my dreams, I was depressed. I was depressed because I couldn't be with Nino, and I was missing him terribly. I knew he was at work, I knew I shouldn't be this depressed. But, I couldn't control the emotions, especially when I can hear someone happy, and I couldn't.

Duds barged out of the bedroom. I jerked up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, trying to hide my swollen eyes and my wet face. Duds brushed her hair right beside me, intentionally not mentioning that she can see how swollen I was. With every brush of her hair, I took out hair from my mouth, as if I was choking on hair ball. When she finished, and as I was removing the last hairs in my throat, she faced me and told me -- "you can have all my hair. "

I stared at her and thought for a moment what that meant. Our stares were cut short by a text I received, someone told me Nino's on MTV as of this moment. I ran out and grabbed the remote control from Pax and turned to MTV, but the show has ended. It was Ryusei no Kizuna's Ariake trio in Florida beach for a promotion, and all I got to see was the ending credits and glimpses of Nino between Nishikido Ryo and Toda Erika.

Now, I'm angrier than depressed. Angry at Duds. Angry at Pax for not turning to MTV quickly. Angry at Nino for not being there.

I turned around and I see the bedroom door still ajar. So, I thought of taking a bath to cool off. I was grabbing my green towel when I saw Ohno and remembered I had made him sleep there. I apologized to him, more so if I had woken him up rather than putting him in the same bedroom as the couple.

I apologized bowing down. That's when I noticed a baby staring at me with big round eyes -- lying down on the floor, behind the bedroom door, right beside Pax's big blue bag.

I smiled and got excited. I tried to pick up the baby, but as he rolled over and over trying to crawl, I couldn't control my laughter.

Ohno, then, asked me "Is he Nino's?" I smiled. I nodded. I picked up the baby who took all my depression away.

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Obviously, this was a continuation but it's like at least 1 year after the last dream, as the baby is just starting to crawl.

I felt better after waking up this time. The baby really did made me feel better. Babies usually mean significant change in lifestyle. Probably, this was brought about the conversations about immigrations last night at dinner. Mind you, my dream-universe baby with Nino -- uber cute!

Distinct things:

Other than the baby, that hairball was interesting. I need to find out what that means. I was also distinctly taller than Duds, which I noticed as we were facing the mirror. And that brushing of teeth and hair.

The brush Duds was using, yellow and huge. The bed covers Ohno wrapped himself with was a red flannel one. Pax's blue bag from college. My green towel again (but then, IRL, all my towels are green but one).

And that crying. It was really emotionally draining.

MOTEL -- Nino (Part 1/2)

Anything before Nino I had already forgotten. You'd know why...
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I was waiting at a motel. Not the Philippine-kind, but more like the ones we see in Supernatural. In my mind, I was waiting for Duds. But I also knew Nino was coming.

Bored of waiting alone, I decided to take a shower. As I turned the knob of the shower, a few sprinkles hit my head, I heard him singing outside the motel. The microsecond that it took made me turn off the shower. Wrapped in a towel, I quietly opened the bathroom door and peeked out through the window beside the door.

Nino was there, in a white polo shirt, eating a hot dog sandwich on top of a park table, his on the bench meant for the table. He was wearing a white polo shirt. I watched him finish his hot dog sandwhich. He was mumbling his song through out. All through out this, I felt I was so in love with this guy.

After he swallowed the last bite, he made his way to my motel's door. I rushed back to hide in the bathroom. I heard him call out my name. I answered, "I'm sorry, I'm still not done taking a bath." Truth was, I haven't even started. I opened the bathroom door a little, to take a peek at what he was doing and show him my wet head.

He was taking off his shirt, and as soon as he saw the door open, he forced his way in. Under the shower -- as zuruikoi of LJ infamously puts it -- he stuck it in.
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I woke up with a pain in my lower abdomen. The kind of pain you get when you didn't finish doing the deed or got cut off before you came. That kind of pissed me off. My cellphone's alarm woke me up.

I could not remember which song Nino was mumbling through his hot dog sandwich. But, that I assume was caused by the MP3 player I left playing on a loop -- Arashi solo songs folder. A similar thing happened in part 2.

Distinct things: Nino's white polo, my green towel (that also makes an appearance in part 2), the bathroom door and it's lock (it's aluminum with a simple lock -- like those you see in cheap Philippine public toilet) and that hot dog sandwhich. The bathroom was really big. It felt like I was in a hentai movie, where the bathroom was supposed to be small but it grows as you zoom out.

There's notthing much to explain in this part. It is so Freudian, it's so obvious.

Should I mention, in my dream memory, we're supposedly married?

My Nino dream has escalated once again.

Spitting Out False Tooth

Today, this is the only distinct part I remember.

I woke up on my bed, and coughed out some phlegm and a speck of blood. When I looked up, Myna and Adrian M. was sitting beside my bed with pale surprised faces. They both told me, I just spit out a tooth and it flew over away from us. I felt my gums, and true enough one of my teeth is missing.

It seemed like I went to other places and did some other things before remembering about my tooth lying somewhere out there.

So when I came back to that place where my tooth was supposed to be, I looked for it. I found it, it had a crown of sorts at it's base. A crown that was supposed to be holding on to my gums.

So it wasn't my real tooth. It's a fake tooth to begin with. I can still have it put back.

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Old people said that falling tooth/teeth means either the death of a loved one or the receipt of great fortune. Or probably both.

Psychology indicates that falling tooth/teeth means the loss of control, power or confidence.

What could it be?

Nino, My Sweet Detective Lover

Nino and I were in some kind of detective unit. But we were also lovers.

There was a death in a condominium pool. Tania was there, she had invited me to go swim with her. But, by the time I arrived, the dead body was being fished out, and the investigation has been concluded. They didn't even rope out the area to keep people from messing with the evidence. In fact, I went right into that pool, it was cold, but I wasn't a least bit icked out. As waded through the cold water of the big pool where the dead body was to the small hot tub where Tania was, she asked me, "aren't you worried? The dead body was just there a few minutes ago."

I jumped to her side, but she got off the hot tub and went to the shower. As I was just there to talk to Tania, I left the hot tub, and took a shower next to Tania's cubicle. We talked mostly and she asked about my boyfriend.

When I came back to our apartment, I reported my findings and submitted a bundle of pictures, Nino was there. He grabbed the pictures I was holding. I took a peek as Nino went through the bundle, I recognized the guy in the pictures. It was Uno. I didn't know what it was for, or why we needed that much picture of Uno. But, there was only feeling of indifference.

We went to class, still discussing the bundle of pictures. The topic changed as soon as Uno sat beside Nino. Apparently, he's in the same class, and while the chairs were arranged in an oblong, I sat a seat away from Nino, and Nino sat beside Uno. I said something brilliant to which Nino responded with so much appreciation and pride. He pulled me and him to kiss me, and I was so happy.

He was pulling me to him to sit on his lap, and I wanted to. I wanted to sit on his lap, and I wanted to put my arms around his neck and rest my forehead on his forehead and plant some small kisses on his lips and cheeks. I wanted his arms around my waist, slowly rocking me with his every movement. I wanted my head on his shoulder, feeling the faint heat of his neck, smelling that faint traces of his cologne, as he energetically talked to the people around him. But, I pulled away.

And we struggled. When the professor came in, I lost the struggle in surprise or panic, but he immediately sat me in his chair right beside him.

Which was next to Uno, who was watching us. But, again, I only felt indifference. I only saw Nino.

The teacher told me to go back to my seat. I slapped Nino's shoulder playfully and blamed him for my being reprimanded. The teacher writes some things on the board and sits beside me. The teacher was between me and Nino. When we saw the movie we were going to watch for the class, Nino just got up and left. He said, he saw it already and has no need to see it again.

After apologizing to the professor, I left to chase after him. But, I didn't know where to go, and I couldn't see him anymore. Panic rose in me.

I saw Miao in a classroom with transparent glass walls at the fourth floor, while I was walking the halls of the second floor. I called out to him and asked him to call Carlo. He did, and he told me to meet them at Sxxxxx, because that's where they told Nino to meet him and Duds.

So, I went to them, at the second floor of Sxxxxx, Carlo was talking to Nino and that he went to No. 2 instead. Carlo was arguing with Nino on the phone. Duds was explaining to me, Nino went to the wrong place. Miscommunication, the couple just came from No. 2. She told me to wait, but I couldn't.

So I ran, chose to use the forbidden shortcut to go where Nino was. The collapsed stairs, collapsed even more, I guess, that's why it was forbidden to use that route. As I got down the crumbling concrete stairs, my shoes flew off, but that didn't stop me. I pulled out my shoes from underneath the concrete and put it back on. I ran. Ran with all my energy to No. 2. And amidst the crowd, I searched for him, but I couldn't find him.

I left the building, and started walking along Silangan Rd. I thought, that I'd have better chances seeing him in the apartment, it was getting dark already. While walking, I took out my phone and dialed his number. But, I still get disconnected. The mobile phone seems to be broken.

I pass by Sxxxxx again, where Karla and John, with their red-streaked hair, were standing by the building's first floor. Second floor was closed off by a red gate, as red as their hair-streaks. The only floor now open was the basement where the food court was.

Karla and John teased me, about how sweet it was of my boyfriend to take on the punishment all on his own for something we both did wrong -- going through the forbidden short-cut. Karla, winked at me and tilted her head towards the stairs to the basement food court.

Even on top of the stairs, I saw him. He was mopping the floor in between responding to other guys in the food court. I could feel the warm tears fall down my cheeks. I couldn't help myself. I ran to him and jump to hug him.

After a few seconds -- that felt like minutes -- in that tight warm embrace, he turned around and wrapped my arms around him. Placed even my right hand on his left breast, which I clenched the way he likes it. He mopped the floor around the food court with me attached to him like that. That was my punishment. He pointed out his senpai, Sakumoto of V6 was eating together with a group of older guys, as if telling me that he will be teased by the his co-members.

I wanted to buy him a snack, but part of me wanted to cook him dinner. I couldn't decide. I asked the food lady, Nida Blanca, what should I do?

But then, I woke up.

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SUBCONSCIOUS

It's been a long time since I had a dream about Nino. But, everytime, it's just as sweet. Which is contrary to my fantasies, where he's the Do-S perverted little him that he might just be.

The setting, is, once again UPLB. Our apartment was near White House. This is a manifestation of my regret. It only means, I need to go back to writing. I was planning on writing last Friday and last night. But I ended up staning updates on the Japan earthquake situation.

This is an alternate universe elbi. Where there are buildings with glass walls, the floors were uneven, it was constructed like huge stairs, wherein the second floor was wider than the third, and the third wider than the fourth. There's meaning to the transparency. I'm still trying to figure this out.

Sxxxxx building, is like a mall inside the campus, and No. 2 is its twin building. I couldn't remember the name of the building, I only remember it starting with the letter "S". Like the building mentioned, this does not exist in the real UPLB. "No. 2" is the title of a missing LJ icon I made years ago. I was looking through my LJ archives and cleaning it up a little and that's why it came up.

Death to me is usually a huge change. The start of a new life. That's just a projection of my near immigration move.

Should I even make sense of all of this? Do I have to interpret it, like the others.

My A.D.D. Makes me Forget

The last thing I remember from my dream is struggling in the essay part of an exam. Usually, I have so many flowery words and padded paragraphs for essays. I can say I'm really good at writing essays or subjective parts of an exam. Enumarating and remembering things, that's what fails me.

The moment I opened my eyes, I've forgotten the questions -- there were three for the essay part. Actually, there were four and I remember dividing up my yellow paper unevenly because I thought there were only 3 questions.

I thought, when I wake up, I'll blog immediately about it. But unfortunately, I got distracted by the news that Arashi's Mannequin 5 is now open for online voting. For over 30 minutes, I forgot, I was supposed to write about my dream here.

FML

Mangoes in UPLB

Enrollement, going to class, skipping class, missing class ... it came again. As usual, UPLB is the setting.

Arashi was there, too. And a twit-chat with J frm Arashi fandom. But we weren't flooding Twitter about Arashi, it was actually about the Philippine political dilemma in my dream world. I could not remember the actual issue.

I should be more diligent about this dream logs. I'm starting to forget what they were because I opened my plurk the moment my laptop opened.

There were mangoes, too.

Oscar Dress

Yesterday, I dreamed of Uno trying to be nice to me again. Though that in itself is not uncommon, it has been a while since that happened. For the past year, it's always Arashi doing a lot of things for me & with me -- & to me -- that recurs more frequently.

The last sequence in my dream last night was of me choosing the dress for my Oscar debut. Actually, it's a really beautiful electric-blue sweet-heart-tube empire dress. It's something I can't go wrong with. But it's not the traditional Mestiza dress that my mom and I have agreed to have when the time comes.

I'm a little distraught as I can't see the meaning behind it. Have my mind really believe that Oscar is on my way? Have my fantasies melted with my Id? Or does this mean something.

*I'll draw the dress as much as i can & post it for future ref*

Nth Levels of Inception & Uncle Manny

I stopped blogging about my dreams before because I lost access to a readily available internet when I left my 2nd job in 2006. Fastforward to 2008, when I got internet at home, I've lost all motivations to write. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and watch Arashi all day -- and night.

But writers will always be writers. So when I decided to re-open my blogs, ++*Faeries and Demons*++ were one of them I had to visit.

So what has happened to me in my dream world so far?
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Recurring dreams of being back in school, flunking courses and failing to enroll in time. Old news, really. This will continue to recur until I finish my thesis conversion to short movies.

When I moved to my own solo-apartment, i started to experience being trapped in a dream. A loop, if you may say. Inception-like. But, this was in late 2006, in my apartment we fondly called Krown Karaoke. This is why I'm not an Inception fan. I'm a Nolan fan, I'm a JGL fan, I'm even a Leonardo de Caprio fan. But experiencing being trapped in a dream, isn't as cool as Inception makes it look like. It's actually scary.

Those kind of dreams stopped when I moved apartment units. Expenses were getting harsh as years go by, and sharing apartment was the next best thing. So I moved for that purpose.

It's been almost a year since I've moved. I thought, I've ridden myself of this Nth levels of dream within a dream. Yesterday, it came back. And it was the scariest as of yet. I swear I was awake already, my eye wide open. I can clearly see the image of Arashi posted on my wall, the whiteboard next to it, the laundry right beside my bed. But I could not move my arms, my feet or my body. The moment, I do, I realize, I'm still dreaming.

Usually, I move my pinky finger to wake me up. Usually, that alone works. But, this time, it wouldn't work. It took so much energy, but I tried moving my head. I thought I was going to break it. Two snaps, after two snaps, I knew I was truly awake. I stood up, tried to catch my breath as I was hyperventilating.

As always, there was a person there again. He or she was holding me down. What is this thing that keeps doing this to me.

I didn't want to go back to sleep after that. But by 3am, I had to go back to sleep in preparation for the day after. The thing did not come again. But, I did encounter my late Uncle Manny. Letting me out of a house asking me to run away. Eventually, the people from the house got out, too. I don't know who they were. But, with Unlce Manny's prodding, I joined them in their car to escape the town. I don't remember what I was running away from anymore or where I was.

I do remember, my Uncle Manny telling me to go away quickly.

The Geisha Running Amok

My dreams have been fading a little too fast lately. It's not like before, when I wake up I could hold it in my mind until the end of the day when I can write about it freely. I've had a couple of interesting and disturbing dreams recently, I know it's important and had to be written down. But if faded as soon as I notice my clock had struck 10.

So I'm writing this now before it all fades away.
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I remember house hunting again, with a friend. I don't know her in reality, however she looked a little like Che Ramos, with short curly hair.


EDIT: I started writing this particular blog entry in 2006. Now that it's been almost 5 years, I just found out that I left this one hanging as a draft. I don't remember the dream anymore or what it means, but I'll still publish just to serve as a lesson to myself.

Wedding Dress

I dreamed I was getting married. It was just a simple ceremony, and only a handful of people were there. Someone was doing my hair as I wondered how will I be able to pick up the cake for the reception and get to the ceremony in time.

What does this mean?

I hate to think of death. But it usually follows. I now carry this dreadful feeling of worry and fear.

Bet

For the first time in days, I wasn't dreaming about death. It was simply about money.

Raipo brought me to this gambling place, so much like a stadium for Cock Fight. We were there for a supposed sideline. We take bets, and in every bet, we get a percent. The lewd trick is to tell they lost and so the money is entirely yours. Not just a percent of the wins.

Being new to the industry, I coudln't keep up with the collection. A man in a blue uniform who regularly takes the bet, took the money from me and organized it before remitting to the office. There goes all my hard earned cheat money.

Someone else then took it. This guy is pretty cute. He's tall, dark and pretty handsome. I wouldn't normaly like him. However, in that particular dream, i was so attracted to him.

Apparently, the bets I took won a little more than 20k. He offered half to me and telling he's taking the other half, as he needs it and I had cheated anyhow, so I didn't really deserve it. I told my mom, I'll go give Raipo at least 20-30% of the winnings. My mom, hesitated but couldn't refuse, since it was my money.

The guy was in a hurry. He said he had to run to his 2nd job, in K-Mart or somewhere. All the more endeared me to him. He's hardworking and he's very driven.

I have not met this man before. He's so different from those I've been with. So simple and so unique.

Who are you?

Anger and Distress

Dexter Lira was angry, in a VA event. What more, Christmas party.

I kinda knew why, but I wasn't telling. He vented it out on us, just because we were associated to the cause. But he didn't just scream at us. We were on our way to buy some Christmas party things. A van kind of car, so much like Carlo Francisco's was the only one available and Dexter drove it.

The way he drove was full of pure hatred and bitterness. We tumbled inside like little toys in a box on its way to charity. If it wasn't so painful and so threatening, it would have been funny.

Gigi Angeles, finally screamed Dex's name in such a commanding manner in her own rage and fear, not just for herself but for everybody. Like a Queen and her rebellious pawn, Dexter stopped in Gigi's call. He got off the car and ran. Everybody looked at me, as if it was my fault. It wasn't. I didn't do this. But their eyes showed they expected me to clean it up. There were only two choices, I have to clean up or I lose them all. In my head, I wouldn't want to lose any of them. So I ran after Dex.

I tried to talk to him. My slippers were torn. I bought a replacement pair, as he continued to vent. We walked around. Around what seemed like the UPLB campus.

Then the last thing I saw was Dexter and I, walking towards the dark. Enveloped, then embraced then swallowed by the dark.

More Death

Once again, death was the theme of my dream.

It was a game, where one by one people fall down. I didn't want to join, but my mere presence in the Mansion means I am already a contender. Batman was there, but he wasn't Bruce Wayne-y enough ... he wore transparent plastic teeth brace brackets for crying out loud. And when I asked him to deliver me from this evil, he said no, I have to compete and survive.

The Mansion, wasn't really a mansion. I've been there before, in another dream, where I was back in my old school as I've already graduated college. It was the Tall Camella School, where there was a Catholic Chapel in the nth floor and above that a conical shaped attic where I had to ask a student to NOT jump.

And remembering this, I had thought I would be safe there. So I ran. Along the way, I passed by the people I was with when I arrived, one after the other. They were all lying down, on a blood of pool.

I distinctly remember Icheb. He was so red with blood and his head seemed like to ooze more. He was supposed to be dead, but I thought he wasn't because his lips were twitching. I wanted to help and bring him up. But it was either I was forbidden or I was thinking of self-preservation. I ran. I ran up. I got to the Chapel, but I can't remember if I ever got to the attic and out. I knew there was still someone else alive in the grounds and that was the reason why I was still being chased.

And it scared the shit out of me. I had to force myself to wake up.

Death, Carnage and Changes

For the past few nights I've been having dreams of dead bodies. Too many of them. It's disturbing, really, cause I haven't been seeing movies or TV shows with dead guys in it. I haven't seen a single CSI episode for the past week.

Three nights ago, this was what I dreamt of.

I was supposed to be a new big sister in a house full of children. But on what was supposed to be my first day, was my last. When I arrived, the house was torn, destroyed and leaky. Blood and water merged on the floor. A was was waging, and the house was in the middle of it.

I found some of the children, shivering in the cold and of fear. They were so few. More lay wet and cold on the creaky floor. Some wouldn't let go of their dearest despite the . Some lay asleep beside those who have entered eternal sleep. A carnage of children in what's supposed to be a sanctuary for them.

Two nights ago, this was what I dreamt of:

I was following a cat. A pure white cat, just like Mara from Cats Compound. And as I followed, this cat turned into a grey little one with almost invisible white streaks like Chibi from Ankers. It lead me to an alley I have never seen before. There a man lies unmoving. The cat pushes nudges it with its paws, scratching it with its nails. The dead lay still, as his blood seep to the cat's fur.

Last night, this was what I dreamt of:

I saw a child dragging a mutilated body of a man who seems to be her father. As I came nearer I saw the body was torned in half. It wasn't a clean cut. It was torned like paper. And the child had the most deadpan face I've ever seen. She just kept on walking. She didn't mind anybody or listen to anything. She just kept on walking, dragging her dad's body to wherever she was going.

---oOo---

I feel weird seeing this horific images in my dreams. Yet I cannot seem to tell if it's a message or just dreams. For the first time. I can't tell.

Deaths and Lovers

++*Please refer to Proven Translation*++

When I awoke the first time at 7 am, a had a very heavy feeling. Dreadful because of my dream.

I dreamt Ian died in a middle of an office ... just dropping dead. I wasn't there, I didn't see it myself. I was with Myna somewhere else. And someone called up Myna. And it was Myna who told me. He died with a heart failure. And in that dream, I was convincing my mind, I was just dreaming.

And well considering this vision ... it's either they will be getting married by the end of the year or early next year ... or Myna will be carrying a child soon. I hope both, if it's not really a problem healthwise. :D
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Then I went back to sleep. This time, I dreamt I was making out with the gayest friend I have right now.

And he asked me ... You do understand that I'm gay, right? ... I said yes.

You do understand that this is just for tonight, right? ... I said yes.

You do understand there is no hope for me in liking you in the way you want, right? ... I said yes.

Then I kissed him. And more things ensued.

Weird ... he's not even my type ... even if he IS gay.

Commitments

Paolo and Gigi went to my office as everyone was prepping for a party. Gigi pulled me aside while Paolo was entertaining himself by watching the caterers set up.

Gigi posted a dreaded question ... I had to make a decision ... it was my job or VA.

I responded, that I just can't leave the means of my living. If VA can pay all of my debts, I'd choose VA anytime. And I actually didn't have anything to pay everymonth, I would have chosen VA on the spot.

But the mere question got me going. I was mad that they had to ask me the question at all. I never liked subjected to such choices. I remember the sorrority asking me to choose between them and my theatre company. I chose my theatre company because I see more future in the theatre company that with them. Besides, asking me to make such a commitment is a morbid pain conductor.

Good thing this thing with Paolo and Gigi only happened in my dream. And it was a real dream, something my mind makes up based on the day's whatever.

It wasn't a vision feed, nor a vision quest, nor an alternate reality. At least now I can differentiate. :D

2nd Chances

The rule was ... you may go back to the the time in which you want to re-live. But you will only relive the year and the feel --- at the age you are in, the fulfilments you've already acheive, the wisdom you've acquired along the years. In my sad mind, I took it on but not because I want to relive the time, but more to change it how I wanted it to be.

I chose to go back to my third year in High School.

I noticed that I had to look for a place near the school. A boarding house or a room for rent ... for my mom and me.

I enocuntered a few highschool classmates who were there for the same reason but different purpose ... people I never really liked as they bullied me just because I was weak when we were younger.

15 was the age I changed from the stone steps to the stone on the pedestal. I was always out of school to loitter in Diliman buildings; I was playing in one band and managing the other; I obsessed with Tekken and almost lived in SM Southmall; at night I'd be riding someone's car with the Eraserheads just to get in the hottest bistros and bars for free.

In my sad mind, it wasn't a thing to be grateful of.

Because of that --- the moment changed.

When I came across Bong, he was getting married to Jeni because she was already pregnant. We were 15, they weren't even supposed to hook up after the Karen months, after we were 16. They were supposed to marry at 21.

The bullies were slated for another year in High School. And then there was my mother who was having troubles letting me go with my father who was taking me with him for a better life.

Everything about me was a whole lot better. On the other hand, everyone else was suffering.

For everything I took, I had to pay for ... with someone else's blessing.

I want to be happy, but the guilt it carries made my sad mind sadder.

Doble Kara

I was talking to Ryan Agoncillo. We had just made up. For more than three years, we didn't talk. I didn't see him for more than 2 years already.

He seem to have forgiven me. The only thing was, I never did anything to catch his irk. Or at least, I don't remember anything I did to make him so mad at me.

But that's all in the past now. We're friends again. with a possibility to be even more.

When I woke up, I knew it wasn't Ryan Agoncillo I was dreaming about really. Only his face.

Limbs

A scary man was chasing us. Killing and Slashing.

He almost got me. When I turned, Vincent Kartheiser was there and he pushed me.

When I found him again. His arms were cut clean up to the shoulders and his legs up to the kness.

Vinnie saved me. And I never felt so much love for him and so much pity and so much guilt all at the same time as I had felt at that moment.