Sulu Whirlpool

It's in a place where I had been before in one of my dreaming lives, but have never been in real life; the place with lots of interconnecting malls and a very confusing light rail train; an alternate Philippines.


A competition was being held. And my ex, Squal, was entering a song he had written in collaboration with Chiaki Kuriyama.  But he had forgotten his music sheet in Sulu.


And so I took the fastest route to Sulu, through the Whirlpool I once took in another dream to Palawan.


(got distracted and wasn't able to finish writing this. so the dream memory has faded a bit and i can only write of what i remember)


Although, I was supposed to go to Sulu, I went to Palawan, where there were boats that ferried people to Sulu. I took a boat just to get that music sheet, and in the trip, a couple of guys from the island tried to pick me up. I liked the attention. 


I spent a night in Sulu, and got back to the competition in the city just in time, with only a minute to spare. 


I found Squal in the waiting room, sitting beside Uno. I delivered the music sheet and then sat on Squal's lap while looking at Uno and watching how he'd react.


I saw discomfort in his eyes. But, one could also interpret it as disgust.


(From here on, I can't remember anything else except going back to the beach and the amusement park I once went to)


*analysis to follow*

Resolutions

For two days straight, I dreamt of a continuing story about resolving things with Uno.

FIRST NIGHT

He finally sat down and listened to me. He finally accepted the love I have for him. He even listened and understood all excuses I threw at him.

He made a deal with me: I forget the past; I abandon all excuses; we ignore all external influences; we start over, as two people in love. As should have been done from the beginning.

He took my hand and pressed it on his chest. I felt his beating heart, strong but steady. It calmed me down.

He pulled me into his arms, wrapped me in an embrace.

All was quiet. I was at peace.

SECOND NIGHT

Distraction walked my way. Nino came, and swept me off my feet. I was excited and embarrassed, like a shy five-year-old girl being given a Christmas gift by a newly introduced uncle.

I fell for his commanding presence, his charm and his assurance. He didn't promise anything, just made me feel my existence is important.

As we were cuddling on the couch, Uno came in and caught me, in a way, cheating.

Uno turned around quickly and stomped out. I ran after him, apologetic and shaking.

I told Uno that I still wanted him and that I still loved him, but I couldn't let Nino go now that I have him; that I'd understand if he hated me and didn't want to see me anymore.

Uno told me calmly, though I could see him controlling his anger, to go to Nino, enjoy my day with Nino and be back to him by midnight.

I obeyed.

I ran quickly to find Nino with the strong resolve to end things with him. But, I couldn't find him.

I was left torn. Who do I belong with?
_________________________________________

Granted this came out because I had mentioned UNO again in a conversation with ate Jo.

Yet, this wishful thinking is the most relaxing feeling I've had in months.

I still want to see him. But what will come out of it? Would I really have to leave my fangirling behind if UNO comes with me?

Nino's Goodbye Girl

Nino and I were in front of the computer checking blogs, checking Plurk, checking Twitter, doing all the routines one now does with the computer -- only here, there were a lot of flirting involved. While reading a site, he suddenly pulled me out of the house telling me he just remembered he's supposed to show me something.

He was rushing me to put on my shoes, though he was just wearing a simple black thong slippers -- the likes you wear just around the house. I hurriedly put on my red suede slip-on flat loafers while he was closing the door and giggling over the panic that he has caused in me. I kept on telling him, I didn't have the house keys on me, twice. But, I guess he wasn't listening, because he locked the door, anyways. When the door was closed and secured, when I was done putting on my shoes, I asked him, "Do you have the key?" He looked at me as if he was expecting I had it. A moment of silence. Then he said, "Daijoubu, daijoubu" and then pulled me away from the house in a hurry once again. He said, we'll ask Kervs to take us in. And I just responded, "Kervs? Why Kervs?"

We walked a couple of blocks talking about random things, laughing at the most inane stuff, mostly flirting -- like a couple of high school lovers. He was holding my hands all throughout, not letting me go.

When we came across a community park, we cautiously entered. There were a couple of men there. With his hands still clutching mine, he approached the smaller of the men, and said, "Sumimasen."

An old bum faced us and started screaming at us. Nino pushed me back, his grip of my hand tightened. We were both scared by this, but he remained poised. As we back off, we almost bumped into the taller man smoking a cigarette. Nino and I both shrieked in surpise and the man just looked at us with irritation.

Recognition enveloped me slowly. I realized, the taller man was my brother, Christian. Without any other reaction, trying to be as polite as I always am in real life, I introduced Nino to Christian as my boyfriend. Joseph, my other brother came running and asked Christian what the screaming was about. Christian just pointed me to him. So I said hi and introduced Nino to Joseph, too. In my dream-life memories, I introduced him as Nino because it was easier to remember for Filipinos and it's it's better they know him by that name than his given one.

We left my brothers and we walked aimlessly in the middle of the night.

After walking a few more blocks, and talking about my Care Bears birthday cake when I was younger, we found ourselves in Kerv's house. He took us in, and let us sleep on the floor. When I woke up, Nino was gone.

Angry, depressed, insecure and almost crying -- I composed a text message for him. In the end, what I sent was -- "I wanna sleep beside you. Where are you? I wanna go to you."

Kervin wasn't there. But, Pao J. was, and a few other people I didn't even try to notice. Pao was telling me how he plans to deliver that huge Tenderheart Bear plushie to my address. I wasn't listening, I was looking through the window waiting for Nino to respond to my text message.

A van stopped in front of the house, a young boy stepped out followed by a few other people, and then Nino.

The youngest boy found his way upstairs and started talking to me. I was politely chatting with him. I wasn't sure if he was Nino's nephew or little brother. Then Nino sat down behind me, and wrapped his arms around my waist.

I was mad. I asked him, "why did you leave me without telling me where you were going?" But, I didn't let him answer. "I don't want that to happen again. I can't take that. I've been left by people while I was sleeping. They never came back. My dad did the same thing, my ex did the same thing ..."

He interrupted me and said, "But, I'm here. I came back." And his family was waiting downstairs.

Then I woke up.
__________________________________________________________________

I do not own a red suede slip-on loafer shoes. I never had a Care Bears cake for a birthday. None of my ex left me while I was sleeping. Only my biological father did. I guess, I was more affected by that than I claim to be not. EDIT: Nino does not have a younger brother. I'm not sure if he has a nephew already.

Yesterday, I had just declared that Sho is back to being my ichiban to replace Nino who is very much in love with Sasaki Nozommi right now (if rumors are true). But I guess, I can never fool myself.

On to the analysis.

I am currently not speaking terms with my brothers. Up until I woke up, I didn't know what Nino said he was going to show me. Only in my waking life did I realize it was my brothers he wanted to show to me. Should I see them one last time? My pride would not let me. They are the ones who don't contact me, then it is up to them to find me. Besides, I'm not the one who has issues with them. enough with the TMI.

Shoes indicate approach in life. So how do i approach it? RED, with lots of passion and intensity. SUEDE, soft exterior, tough construction (people who know me, know this well of me). SLIP-ON FLAT LOAFERS, easy to put on, comfortable, flexible, can be used in the in casual, office or dinner settings. So why is my Id reminding me who I am? connect my sibling situation with my personality. In the end, I'm as filial as any other true blue Filipino girl.

Birthday cakes -- though it wasn't physically there and was just talked about -- mean dreams, ambitions in fruition and openness to let others in your life. In MY life.

The Care Bear Pao J. is trying to send to me is my insecurity about moving away from my comfort zone. It's like my Id is reassuring me that even from across the pond, my friends will be there.

I think my Id has started to use Nino as a representation of itself. Everything else seems to be self explanatory.


EDIT: friend Chelli corrected me and said the shoes i dreamed of wasn't loafers but ballet flats (like that pictured on the right). However, if you look at it, it doesn't really change anything much. The meaning is the same as a loafers. Unless you can tell me something new about Ballet Flats that I don't know about.

Another Post-Apocalyptic Dream

A hodge-podge of dreams, one even with a post-apocalyptic theme once again. And this time, it's as vivid as a movie on your TV screen.

~oOo~

I was back in Camella, where I was bullied from elementary to high school. But, here, instead of being bullied and being manipulated by the cool crowd, I was the one doing the bullying. It seems that the boys and the girls were separated into two class. In the girl's room, one of my close friends was bullied by James Pineda. So I went to the boys class with a bottle in my hand, and took a seat behind James. None of the other boys hindered me, they were scared of me. I taunted James, with Jeffrey Padilla beside him. I threatened him without actually saying threatening words.

When Ms. Joey came to hush the class, James and Jeffrey told on me. They kept on accusing me of bullying from behind Ms. Joey, I denied every accusation. Being good with words, I argued that I didn't say anything to threaten them, I argued that they just assumed all threats when I was just asking them how they were. Ms. Joey left me off easily. With a smug on my face, I left the classroom to return to mine.

~oOo~

We were told of an exciting experiment, with an unknown results. But being young and adventuristic, we wanted to know how it would feel to do the experiment first hand. So, with two of my close friends, did some crime, hurt the feelings of a beautiful young girl, and went straight to the basement of the school to do the experiment. The formulation of the bath was weird, it contains formaldehyde and an unknown liquid that our Science teacher gave to us. After making sure that we have followed our teacher's precise instructions on the consistency of the formula inside the earthen jar, I immersed myself. But, the other two boys suddenly pushed my head down as if to drown me. After a few seconds of struggling, I blacked out.

When I came to, the whole basement was a mess. Everything was scorched and scattered all over the floor. Even the earthen jar I came out of had scorches. I tried to control my dizziness and struggled to walked towards the light from the door. The bright light of the sun greeted me. There was no building above the basement anymore. Only ruins of walls. Across the door where I came out, there was a shanty that looked like a small ruined wooden sail boat, where a young girl was looking back at me. The face vaguely familiar, took me a few seconds to realize she was the girl we bullied before doing the experiment.

Then suddenly, people came out from the boat, one of which was my Science teacher. Rejoicing my return, they pulled me inside the boat and led me a community underground where they bathe me, and clothed me, and fed me. As the others danced and sang, the Science teacher explained to me that I have been out for quite sometime now.

~oOo~

My teacher brought me to a mall that connects to the underground community. People were staring at me, recognizing who I was. We ran across Homer and a girl I'm supposed to know. Homer was shocked. My teacher and I walked more, telling me just get whatever I need and he'll pay for it.

The girl who was with Homer ran to me with Ryan Toledo behind her. Her eyes were begging, and I didn't know what to do. Then she talked to Ryan, telling him that I was an old friend. Ryan looked at me, and said he doesn't know me, but he kept on talking about things I can't understand. I realized, Ryan, not only had lost his memories, he had already lost his mind. Feeling pity and guilt, I tried to make him remember things about me, relating to his fears. But, he realized I was lying, that I was tricking his brains into remembering me by associating my existence through other things he remembers.

Ryan ran off. The girl followed after him.

My Science teacher said, that Ryan wasn't the only one who became like that.

~oOo~

On an SUV, we travelled all the way to Las Pinas. They said I needed to go and meet somebody. The road we travelled on looked so strange in my eyes. The buildings and plots beside the road were unfamiliar. There was a resort being built, with water slides dumped on one spot waiting to be put together. I told them, this was not the Las Pinas I once knew. One of the girls, we were with, told me that the resort was the newest project of the man who gave their life again. The man, made sure everyone's scorched skin, were operated on. However, the Man, had been dictating what the country and its citizens would do. With me, the survivor of the catastrophe without having any help from the Man, they would be able to topple this restrictive government.

We stopped at a busy rows of karinderias, where cabs were lined up and their drivers having lunch. My Science teacher went up to one of the cab drivers and converesed a little. The walked back to the SUV together wary of their surroundings. My Science teacher opened the back of the car and left it open as he settled himself in the driver's seat. The science teacher gave me a bill and told me to hand it over to the cab driver subltely. The cab driver took something out of his cab's trunk and placed it inside our car. I shook hands with the cab driver, passing on the bill subtely. He closed the back and smiled at me as car drove on. I watched him grew little as we moved forward, and I watched him as he exploded and burned.

A riot suddenly started. Gunfires could be heard everywhere. The cars before us stopped moving. My Science teacher put the car in reverse trying to get away from the riot as fast as possible. I saw a man in front of the car aiming a sniper at us, and I watched him pull his trigger. Frozen in place by shock, I felt the bullet went past by my ear and lodge in cushion of the back of my seat. As the whizzing sound of the bullet passing beside my ear reverberated, I vaguely heard my Science teacher say to me, "you could have been dead if you weren't so God-damn lucky."

___________________________________________________

Bullying is a sign that I'm being too agressive in a part of my life. What part, I'm not sure. Maybe, I'm over-compensating for all the bullying I received when I was child, that now, I'm running with my false-bravado in full throttle.

As the earthen jar had protected me from the devastation in the apocalypse, it symbolizes my need to be protected like a baby in a womb from the fast approaching change in my life.

The girl in the boat is the other me. It only means I've finally learned how to be honest and express my true feelings. That, I know what to say now.

As much as people were staring at me in the mall, is just as much as I want my arrival to be celebrated. Same with the people rejoicing upon finding me.

The waterslides indicate that I'm letting this change guide me without objection or resistance. Probably because I'm done resisting it.

The taxi drivers eating may indicate that I'm being eaten by this change alive, despite not resisting this change.

The burning man seems to mean that I'm blinded by my own ambition, consumed by it. And that also represents the ambition I have burned a lot of people with. It's just a reminder that I can be consumed by this ambition even after the great change.

The bullet seems to be a warning, I will have to bite it and accept the difficulties that lie ahead.