Deaths and Lovers

++*Please refer to Proven Translation*++

When I awoke the first time at 7 am, a had a very heavy feeling. Dreadful because of my dream.

I dreamt Ian died in a middle of an office ... just dropping dead. I wasn't there, I didn't see it myself. I was with Myna somewhere else. And someone called up Myna. And it was Myna who told me. He died with a heart failure. And in that dream, I was convincing my mind, I was just dreaming.

And well considering this vision ... it's either they will be getting married by the end of the year or early next year ... or Myna will be carrying a child soon. I hope both, if it's not really a problem healthwise. :D
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Then I went back to sleep. This time, I dreamt I was making out with the gayest friend I have right now.

And he asked me ... You do understand that I'm gay, right? ... I said yes.

You do understand that this is just for tonight, right? ... I said yes.

You do understand there is no hope for me in liking you in the way you want, right? ... I said yes.

Then I kissed him. And more things ensued.

Weird ... he's not even my type ... even if he IS gay.

Commitments

Paolo and Gigi went to my office as everyone was prepping for a party. Gigi pulled me aside while Paolo was entertaining himself by watching the caterers set up.

Gigi posted a dreaded question ... I had to make a decision ... it was my job or VA.

I responded, that I just can't leave the means of my living. If VA can pay all of my debts, I'd choose VA anytime. And I actually didn't have anything to pay everymonth, I would have chosen VA on the spot.

But the mere question got me going. I was mad that they had to ask me the question at all. I never liked subjected to such choices. I remember the sorrority asking me to choose between them and my theatre company. I chose my theatre company because I see more future in the theatre company that with them. Besides, asking me to make such a commitment is a morbid pain conductor.

Good thing this thing with Paolo and Gigi only happened in my dream. And it was a real dream, something my mind makes up based on the day's whatever.

It wasn't a vision feed, nor a vision quest, nor an alternate reality. At least now I can differentiate. :D

2nd Chances

The rule was ... you may go back to the the time in which you want to re-live. But you will only relive the year and the feel --- at the age you are in, the fulfilments you've already acheive, the wisdom you've acquired along the years. In my sad mind, I took it on but not because I want to relive the time, but more to change it how I wanted it to be.

I chose to go back to my third year in High School.

I noticed that I had to look for a place near the school. A boarding house or a room for rent ... for my mom and me.

I enocuntered a few highschool classmates who were there for the same reason but different purpose ... people I never really liked as they bullied me just because I was weak when we were younger.

15 was the age I changed from the stone steps to the stone on the pedestal. I was always out of school to loitter in Diliman buildings; I was playing in one band and managing the other; I obsessed with Tekken and almost lived in SM Southmall; at night I'd be riding someone's car with the Eraserheads just to get in the hottest bistros and bars for free.

In my sad mind, it wasn't a thing to be grateful of.

Because of that --- the moment changed.

When I came across Bong, he was getting married to Jeni because she was already pregnant. We were 15, they weren't even supposed to hook up after the Karen months, after we were 16. They were supposed to marry at 21.

The bullies were slated for another year in High School. And then there was my mother who was having troubles letting me go with my father who was taking me with him for a better life.

Everything about me was a whole lot better. On the other hand, everyone else was suffering.

For everything I took, I had to pay for ... with someone else's blessing.

I want to be happy, but the guilt it carries made my sad mind sadder.